Day 9

Day 9, Wed 17/3/10
What I get out of it. It's a confronting thing to delve into and now I see why it's not enough just to describe the effects and challenge my selfishness.

What feelings do I have while I'm looking at porn? I'm not sure that they're empowered feelings, actually. I'm just going from memory here, and analysing it on the fly so further down the page I might say something different.

One I can bring to mind is a desperate feeling of longing to find what I'm looking for. I sit there going "Come on! Get her kinckers off! Touch her breasts!" and stuff like that. Yuck. I've never expposed that part of what I do before. It's horrible. When I find something that really turns me on, though, I have a feeling like I've won an awesome prize. I go "Oh my god! This is fucking unbelieveable! Yes!"

The things that turn me on the most are clips that seem to not play-acted but of women really doing things and where the soman herself si being actively sexual in public. I saw one where a woman was masturbating under a towel at a public beach. She lifted the towel briefly to show that she was nake dunderneath and rubbing her clit. She seemed to reach an orgasm. I found in unbelievably arousing.

This stuff feeds my fantasy that women experience their vulnerability and exposure as sexual, the same as I do, instead of the more common relaity in which they feel nervous, scared, self-conscious or belittled. It could be that the woman who appeared in the clip really does find it arousing. More likely her male partner finds it arousing and talked her into it and she was able to get some sexual pleasure from sharing the experience with him as he filmed it.

Regardless, it is still the case that many women would find that experience completely devoid of sexual pleasure and are frightened (or just exasperated) by the experience of finding unknown men arouse dby the sight of their bodies. For me to expose myself to that clip and take my sexual pleausure from it is to actively reinforce my fantasy view of women's sexuality and ignore the real and varied experiences that women actually have.

A background fantasy behind all of my porn viewing is that everyone is potentially aroused all the time and that to be touched in a sexual way is always and simply arousing. In my fantasy, there is simultaneously a situation where women are empowered to simply say no and be left alone and a fact that no-one ever does want to say no but is always ready to have sex. In this fantasy world, men are very considerate lovers and always make sure that women they have
sex with are as aroused as they are and reach orgasm simultaneously. But it doesn't have any room for things that spoil the mood or are felt as disrespectful.