Day 5

Day 5, Sat 13/3/10
This is actually the longest I have kept up a daily activity to deal with this shit. Usually I go a few days (not even consecutive days) and then it sort of fades away. To my mind, that is the worst part of it - I'm just not facing it at all but actually tolerating it.

I see my ability to carry on being so selfish as a manifestation of the sexism I'm brought up in. Of course I have a human tendency to be a bit selfish but it's totally sexist of me to allow myself to carry on the level of abusive behaviour that porn use entails.

Primarily it's abusive to my partner because it makes her feel inadequate as a sexual partner, and it also deprives her of my sexual attention when she wants it, some of the time. I have told her that it has nothing to do with her not being sexy, or attractive or sexual enough but that is really obviously not going to be enough to stop her feeling that way.

I am told that the porn industry is also abusive to the women who appear as models, and that it preys on women whose sexual identity is affected by past abuses. I haven't read enough to say more about that but the main point is that my porn use is a sign that I don't care if that's the cse. It's all about me feeding my own little sexual desire, by whatever means I can find around me.