I objectify women. I don't imagine their experience of the world but just view them as objects that affect someone else's experience. It's not totally true. There are a number of individual women whose experience I pay proper, respectful attention to but women as a group I still objectify terribly. I also feel it would be possible for me to live my life without any empathy towards women at all.
Even with random women who I don't know, I actually have some ability to relate to them as real people. And I do respect women's intelligence and qualities in many ways. But when I see an opportunity to get some sexual pleasure from seeing a woman's body, I disregard the woman's subjective existence totally and just perve on her without remorse. Afterwards, I feel guilt but at the time I suspend any feeling like that at all.
It's a conscious choice. I feel myself doing it. I step back from my empathy and understanding of my actions and just do what my cock tells me to do. And I devote intelligence and planning to it, setting up perving opportunities and devising ways to not get caught.
There are limits to my behaviour, which is partly why I've been able to keep it up so long. I will not touch a woman in a situation like that and I make a huge effort to stop her from ever knowing that her privacy has been violated at all. For years I was able to avoid dealing with the clear abuse that it is to perve on women like that by concentrating my awareness on the things I limit myself from doing. But that is a delusion, obviously.
Friday 19 February 2010
from my little book - 2
I am a very blokey man, in the sense that I go all grumpy and unco-operative instead of talking about my emotional problems. My whole family is like it and always has been, actually. Even more so now without Mum around I think.
from my little book - 1
I've decided to write about my struggle with sexism, first thing each morning.
I've been finding it hard to make myself think about this stuff. I get all tense and jittery when it comes up. I even put off doing this today, for a few minutes, with nerves.
Where do I start, on a first entry? There's no background, no opened issues. Maybe I should start with what happened yesterday. It was nothing dramatic, it just seems a good practice for a daily entry.
I woke up next to my partner, a woman, and she was still sleepy. I stroked her back but she wanted to keep sleeping so I let her. I think I was good with that little bit of behaviour. When we were both more awake, I was quite horny and we had sexy cuddles and stuff. She wasn't in the mood and we didn't fully have sex. We talked a bit and lay there some more, then talked about getting up. As often happens, I realised this was my last chance to hve sex before we were up and busy. I started stroking my partner's body again and kissing her. She went along with me and we did have sex and it was nice. I don't know if she quite reached orgasm because she is always very quiet in that room. I don't think she quite did. I reached orgasm.
In our relationship, we each willingly have sex sometimes for the sake of the other, when we're not very horny ourselves. We each sometimes give the other an orgasm without having one ourselves. That's OK but I worry that I want my partner to do that more than I do it and that I pressure her to do it on occasions when she actually doesn't want to. I know that what I need to do is ask her about it but I haven't yet.
We had a consent conversation a couple of times. Once we talked about the different kinds of moods we have, where we have a certain level of desire or willingness to be sexual. I thought we might be able to start referring to those moods in a familiar way that we both understand and not need to explain it in detail. It hasn't happened because we haven't talked about it at all since, so the terms aren't familiar to us at all. Verbal consent is so outside my expreience, even though I and others practice it a lot in some ways. I ask if it's OK to do quite a lot of things with other people but with my partner I'm quite silent and I suppose I expect to be able to "read" her response from her body language. The trouble is that in that language, what looks like "consent" could be anything from "here he goes again doing this to me" to genuine desire, whereas verbally it's not consent unless the person says "Yes I'd like that."
My partner and I have flagged a future conversation about consent. I'd like to discuss what things she wants me to have verbal consent before doing. I can imagine it feeling a bit cheeky for me to put my hand down her undies, even in a hot moment, without asking. I actually like the idea, now when I think about it, of being asked verbally before my partner touches my penis, too.
Something that holds me back from just experimenting with verbal consent while we're having sex is that I'm hugely embarrassed about people outside the room hearing us say things like "Would you like it if I touched your clitoris now?" and knowing exactly where we're up to. But most requests are probably obvious enough to summarised as "May I?" so that part is probably mostly OK. We're both pretty shy about talking about sex as well, though, so that holds us back too.
I've been finding it hard to make myself think about this stuff. I get all tense and jittery when it comes up. I even put off doing this today, for a few minutes, with nerves.
Where do I start, on a first entry? There's no background, no opened issues. Maybe I should start with what happened yesterday. It was nothing dramatic, it just seems a good practice for a daily entry.
I woke up next to my partner, a woman, and she was still sleepy. I stroked her back but she wanted to keep sleeping so I let her. I think I was good with that little bit of behaviour. When we were both more awake, I was quite horny and we had sexy cuddles and stuff. She wasn't in the mood and we didn't fully have sex. We talked a bit and lay there some more, then talked about getting up. As often happens, I realised this was my last chance to hve sex before we were up and busy. I started stroking my partner's body again and kissing her. She went along with me and we did have sex and it was nice. I don't know if she quite reached orgasm because she is always very quiet in that room. I don't think she quite did. I reached orgasm.
In our relationship, we each willingly have sex sometimes for the sake of the other, when we're not very horny ourselves. We each sometimes give the other an orgasm without having one ourselves. That's OK but I worry that I want my partner to do that more than I do it and that I pressure her to do it on occasions when she actually doesn't want to. I know that what I need to do is ask her about it but I haven't yet.
We had a consent conversation a couple of times. Once we talked about the different kinds of moods we have, where we have a certain level of desire or willingness to be sexual. I thought we might be able to start referring to those moods in a familiar way that we both understand and not need to explain it in detail. It hasn't happened because we haven't talked about it at all since, so the terms aren't familiar to us at all. Verbal consent is so outside my expreience, even though I and others practice it a lot in some ways. I ask if it's OK to do quite a lot of things with other people but with my partner I'm quite silent and I suppose I expect to be able to "read" her response from her body language. The trouble is that in that language, what looks like "consent" could be anything from "here he goes again doing this to me" to genuine desire, whereas verbally it's not consent unless the person says "Yes I'd like that."
My partner and I have flagged a future conversation about consent. I'd like to discuss what things she wants me to have verbal consent before doing. I can imagine it feeling a bit cheeky for me to put my hand down her undies, even in a hot moment, without asking. I actually like the idea, now when I think about it, of being asked verbally before my partner touches my penis, too.
Something that holds me back from just experimenting with verbal consent while we're having sex is that I'm hugely embarrassed about people outside the room hearing us say things like "Would you like it if I touched your clitoris now?" and knowing exactly where we're up to. But most requests are probably obvious enough to summarised as "May I?" so that part is probably mostly OK. We're both pretty shy about talking about sex as well, though, so that holds us back too.
Some old posts
I started writing stuff in a book a while ago. As usual, I didn't keep it up for very long. But here are some of the things I wrote in there.
Here is What's Wrong
It's been ages since I posted here. I set up this blog so that I could post here reguarly and keep concentrating on chucking off the habits I've been socialised into where I put my random sexual desires above the comfort and safety of women around me. But it's useless if I don't actually do it.
This is what has got in the way of all my other so-called "efforts" to change my behaviour, too. I start out with a new idea and I don't carry it on long enough for it to work. It's only because it's a bit difficult. It's not torture or anything, it's just taking time out from things I would enjoy more or get more praise for to do this thing that I claim to be committed to doing. It does bring up some things I don't want to think but hiding from that stuff is pissweak. It's actually a commitment to carrying on being sexist instead of changing, because the cue is there to see my behaviour for what it is, feel the repulsion and change it but I actively avoid playing my part.
I have had some success, through all my repeated half-arsed efforts. I do feel empathy with the position of a woman now, when I'm in the mood. I also find porn less and less appealing and more and more sad - like watching dancing bears or clips of random poor people fighting in the streets of LA. But that's only when I'm in the right mood. I still push that mood down, when I get the urge, and just go with my ability to get pleasure from women without any love.
I'm actually embarrassed to write on this site because someone might look over my shoulder and see what blog I'm writing on and then later look at all the dodgy things I do and despise me. So I'm sitting at the out-of-the-way computer in the internet cafe where I would otherwise sit to look at porn, hoping no-one can see. It's better than sitting here looking at porn but I keep feeling like opening another window with a porn site in it while I'm here.
This is what has got in the way of all my other so-called "efforts" to change my behaviour, too. I start out with a new idea and I don't carry it on long enough for it to work. It's only because it's a bit difficult. It's not torture or anything, it's just taking time out from things I would enjoy more or get more praise for to do this thing that I claim to be committed to doing. It does bring up some things I don't want to think but hiding from that stuff is pissweak. It's actually a commitment to carrying on being sexist instead of changing, because the cue is there to see my behaviour for what it is, feel the repulsion and change it but I actively avoid playing my part.
I have had some success, through all my repeated half-arsed efforts. I do feel empathy with the position of a woman now, when I'm in the mood. I also find porn less and less appealing and more and more sad - like watching dancing bears or clips of random poor people fighting in the streets of LA. But that's only when I'm in the right mood. I still push that mood down, when I get the urge, and just go with my ability to get pleasure from women without any love.
I'm actually embarrassed to write on this site because someone might look over my shoulder and see what blog I'm writing on and then later look at all the dodgy things I do and despise me. So I'm sitting at the out-of-the-way computer in the internet cafe where I would otherwise sit to look at porn, hoping no-one can see. It's better than sitting here looking at porn but I keep feeling like opening another window with a porn site in it while I'm here.
Wednesday 3 February 2010
Perving on Women
I perve on women as they walk past. It can't be nice for them and I list it among the behaviours that I am training myself out of.
I was thinking recently about what I'm really doing, in a social sense, when I do that. Here is a little story I imagined, to set the scene.
My behaviour, and that of anyone else who perves on women, is exactly like that story, except that we don't go and ask first. But we know that women don't want to be part of our random sexual fantasies. Even men who don't actually go off and have a wank are still taking part in the same gross and abusive type of behaviour.
I was thinking recently about what I'm really doing, in a social sense, when I do that. Here is a little story I imagined, to set the scene.
A man sees a woman. He feels slightly sexually aroused. He looks at the shape of her body and at whether any of her underwear or her genital areas may be revelaed by the way her clothes are sitting. He walks over to her.
Man: Hi, I feel a bit like having a wank. Is it alright with you if I lift up your dress and look at your crotch, so I can keep the image in my mind and wank over it later in the loo?
Woman: No it's not! I hardly know you! Why would I want to be part of your sexual fantasy like that? Fuck off!
The man walks away but then he sees a chance to look up her dress anyway. He does it, knowing with complete certainty that she doesn't want him to. Then he goes and has a wank in the loo.
My behaviour, and that of anyone else who perves on women, is exactly like that story, except that we don't go and ask first. But we know that women don't want to be part of our random sexual fantasies. Even men who don't actually go off and have a wank are still taking part in the same gross and abusive type of behaviour.
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