Here is What's Wrong

It's been ages since I posted here. I set up this blog so that I could post here reguarly and keep concentrating on chucking off the habits I've been socialised into where I put my random sexual desires above the comfort and safety of women around me. But it's useless if I don't actually do it.

This is what has got in the way of all my other so-called "efforts" to change my behaviour, too. I start out with a new idea and I don't carry it on long enough for it to work. It's only because it's a bit difficult. It's not torture or anything, it's just taking time out from things I would enjoy more or get more praise for to do this thing that I claim to be committed to doing. It does bring up some things I don't want to think but hiding from that stuff is pissweak. It's actually a commitment to carrying on being sexist instead of changing, because the cue is there to see my behaviour for what it is, feel the repulsion and change it but I actively avoid playing my part.

I have had some success, through all my repeated half-arsed efforts. I do feel empathy with the position of a woman now, when I'm in the mood. I also find porn less and less appealing and more and more sad - like watching dancing bears or clips of random poor people fighting in the streets of LA. But that's only when I'm in the right mood. I still push that mood down, when I get the urge, and just go with my ability to get pleasure from women without any love.

I'm actually embarrassed to write on this site because someone might look over my shoulder and see what blog I'm writing on and then later look at all the dodgy things I do and despise me. So I'm sitting at the out-of-the-way computer in the internet cafe where I would otherwise sit to look at porn, hoping no-one can see. It's better than sitting here looking at porn but I keep feeling like opening another window with a porn site in it while I'm here.