Day 16

Day 16, Wed 24/3/10
[It's ages later that I'm typing this up - nearly two months - so I'm not sure if there are any days inbetween that are missing. Anyway, this is what I wrote.]

So this is not every day at all. But I have things I am itching to write now, anyway.

I noticed I have more than an ambition to get back to my habits of porn and perving. I actually have fantasies about the situations I'd like to create for myself that will make perving easier for me. They will never happen but that's not really the point.

One is to run a clothes shop or a gym or something where women get changed, and to set up one-way mirrors so I can watch them. Another is to run a night-club and to set up little mirrors and lights on the floor so that men can look up women's dresses. These fantasies will never be realised but they are part of a mindset where I plan my life around having opportunities to perve on women.

I just moved into a new share house recently and one of the first things I did was check out the opportunities for perving on women in the shower. Luckily, there isn't really a way but the thing is that I looked for one.

It's totally indulging my desires and being really inconsiderate of women's rights to privacy and security. After my recent writing, it has also been really obvious to me how my desire to perve on women and look at porn is a reflection of a very real domination and subjugation of women.

Back to what I was writing about last time, I think I have created an image in my mind of a generic sex object that is shaped like a woman's body. I don't see that object as a person. An image actually came up in my imagination just then. It was a cartoon drawing of a woman from neck to thighs, no head, knees or arms. She was lying back against something and naked. I think it is likely that something like that really is one of my mind's generic sex objects.

The caricature has all the characteristics of the female image that is promtoed in the media. It has no hair except pubic hair - and that is hort and contained - and its breasts are round and sit up as though they were held up by a bra. There is a verison of this caricature that has other body parts and clothes too, because the make-up and hair and girly clothes are definitely part of the image I store in my mind.