Day 22

Day 22, Tue 30/3/10

Doing this writing is a way for me to put into practice something I've wanted to do for a while, which is to watch my behaviour without stepping in to change it. Of course, I've kind of been doing that for ages but bringing my mind back to what I'm really doing each day makes it more meaningful because I'm watching my behaviour with a critical eye.

I know it may just be training me in how to carry on behaving this way in full awareness of the facts and I will need to address that. In fact, as I think now about it, it seems less useful to be observing this behaviour and not acting to change it.

I'm not sure. I was just thinking about how automatic it is for me to look carefully into my housemate's room as I go past in case there is a woman in his bed and she happens to have a nipple exposed or something. I don't have a pattern at all for walking past that room without looking in. Maybe a more important thing is to develop those patterns and rehearse them until they are my usual ways to behave.

But I think in a longer-term view, to watch myself doing what I really do (but usually I avoid consciously knowing) will make the reality of what I'm working to change away from far more concrete. I mean I will see how sexist and creepy my behaviour is and feel a strong internal drive to change it.

But that drive is not there now because in just about all situation where I see an opportunity to perve on a woman, my sympathy lies not with the woman but with my cock. There is a real danger that I will continue failing to really see my behaviour as unacceptable but just get into it in the moment.

So maybe a new dedication to starting the right habits of behaviour is what is needed. Perhaps then, when my behaviour is different, I will be in the habit of not indulging those urges and the indulgent behaviours will be pushed more and more into the realm of things I no longer do.